Well… It’s been a while. It’s actually been a while for a lot of things. I haven’t blogged in quite some time because frankly, this song title is a test. A test of faith and perseverance. It was originally written many years ago, but it’s almost hysterically ironic that it is still a speed bump today.
When the song was originally penned with my dear friend Chuck Jones, I was at a place of questioning trust. A place that was bridging friendship to romance with my significant other and the willingness to swan dive into the unknown. So I did.
In my experience, the climb to decide whether to dive-in or not is somewhat of a nail- biter. But, the launch is always exciting, thrilling actually, because you actually decide to go for it…to take a risk, a real leap of faith. So how do you recover when the bungee cord breaks? When what feels like your lifeline, you’re very pulse, snaps in half? And for the world to see? Well, in my case, you lick your wounds by pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and marching on. At least the first time around, that is.
But what happens when you’re faced with another major leap of faith that you take and ends up broken? And then another? And yet, another? All very publicly and very painfully? Well… you stop blogging for a couple of months, apparently.
That’s where I’m at today. Stuck. Emotionally frozen. Looking at this song title and this blog and not knowing how to ‘cheerlead’ my way into (much less through) another ‘atta-girl’/’you-can-do-this’ moment.
Today I am three weeks away from the finalization of divorce #2, trying to blog about a song called ‘Count Me In’. Very personal. Very ironic & painful. Very challenging.
You know why I’m typing right now? Because I had lunch today with two very prominent executive women in the music business that told me that I needed to. After sharing about ‘why I’m not blogging’…they told me that there were probably a lot of people who could relate to what I’m going through and might actually find some comfort in the fact that I’m going through it too. Could it be? Only a leap of faith will tell.
Why was this so surprising to me today? I’ve always prioritized writing songs about things that are very personal and real. It’s just what I do. So why am I blank? After too much iced tea, a shared veggie plate, and a LOT of discussion… I discover that I’m actually human….& that I’m wrestling with fear and shame. I’m not just wrestling with it, I’m in the big ring…about to win the 50 pound belt in my ‘weight’ class! In the ‘gas station-of-life’ at the moment, this heart and spirit has pulled-in to find signs that say “out of order” and “no one on duty”! What to do? What do you do when you’re ‘in the red’ and need to be filled? You certainly don’t blog about it. Or do you?
All I know to do is to type and type and type…& empty a little bit more of myself….to wring out the last drops that are left in this situation that I’ve been ‘white-knuckling’…..& share with anyone who might need to know that they’re not the only one going through something that feels impossible to survive….again. Yes, A-GAIN.
Speaking of, let’s look at that little word….again. A-GAIN. To be honest I hate that word in this moment. A gain? Really? How is it, that, when I’m at a loss as to how I can be going through these things a-gain? Well, (breathe)…. Let’s look at that. Something has to actually be lost to be gained, correct? And theoretically, the more you do something (a-gain & a-gain)…the better you get at it, right? At the very least, there is proficiency in building on the familiar, yes? So, we can use this in positive and negative ways. At least that’s what I’m finally figuring out! Duh, you say? Well, I agree. But when being lived out in relationships, moments turn into days, which turn into months and years & before you know it, you can also invest in something that can not work out….again. So, how is this a ‘gain’ at all?
Well, the only way I know how to blog about the song Count Me In today, is… to look at where I’m willing to move forward, as I have been in the past, but in different ways…with more experience, more wisdom & knowledge, more conviction, more growth, and mostly, more humility & vulnerability. And I don’t mean ‘vulnerability’ as a weakness, but… as in a ‘seasoned willingness to be open.’ I am deciding today that I am willing to grow & wear what some may perceive as ‘failures’. I’m willing to wear those and hang those out in the open… in my ‘LIVING room’…as beautiful tapestries, draping the windows of my life. And every thread is significant in creating a luxurious work of art.
Tonight, thanks to some beautiful colleagues at lunch today, I’m willing to let the light shine in again….to blog….to take chances… a-gain, just one foot in front of the other. I stand with you as well, and cheer you on to find courage to do the same!
God does not want us to stop trying and certainly doesn’t expect us to stop failing in the process. Every failure, or perceived failure, is another opportunity to feel His love and grace. He never leaves or forsakes us. THAT is where I’m living in the moment. And THAT is how “hands that hang down and feeble knees” are able to look upward and say…THANKS in ALL things and…..
Count Me In.
“With this news bring cheer to all discouraged ones.”
“So, take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs.”
Be blessed and courageous!