You Can’t Stay

 I wasn’t built for the back burner
Don’t try to save me for a rainy day
You come in like a thunderstorm
You blow out like a hurricane (you’re like a hurricane)…

WHY DO YOU SAY GOODBYE, THEN STAY A LITTLE LONGER
I CAN’T EVEN CLOSE THE DOOR
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY THEN TAKE AWAY YOUR SHOULDER
I DON’T WANNA LIVE ALONE ANYMORE.

I did all I could to treat you good
I never even took a holiday
But now I’m saying all the things I should
It’s time to shoot it straight (it’s time to shoot it straight)…

 WHY DO YOU SAY GOODBYE, THEN STAY A LITTLE LONGER
I CAN’T EVEN CLOSE THE DOOR
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY THEN TAKE AWAY YOUR SHOULDER
I DON’T WANNA LIVE ALONE ANYMORE
THE TRUTH IS THERE’S SOMEONE WAITING
AND I DON’T WANT TO TURN HIM AWAY
SO YOU CAN’T STAY.

(solo)

 WHY DO YOU SAY GOODBYE, THEN STAY A LITTLE LONGER
I CAN’T EVEN CLOSE THE DOOR
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY THEN TAKE AWAY YOUR SHOULDER
I DON’T WANNA LIVE ALONE ANYMORE
THE TRUTH IS THERE’S SOMEONE WAITING
AND I DON’T WANT TO TURN HIM AWAY
SO YOU CAN’T STAY. 

You had my heart but you let it slip away
Now you’re coming back around and you can’t stay.

Written: 7/6/10 (Kimberly Perry/Deana Carter)

 


Have you ever finally realized that it is time to take a real hard look at something in your life & put an end to ‘the thing’ that has either emotionally or spiritually or physically or financially drained you….that you’ve allowed?  What was it?  Was it a job?  A person? A dynamic?  An addiction?  These could all be individual things or one in the same.  Deep down you might ‘know’ that there is a better way to live…a certain freedom…if you could just muster the strength to break free from whatever’s had a hold on you & the fear of what life might look like without it.  You’re just not sure how to break old habits that are all too familiar & that breed a sense of ‘comfort’, even when they’re not good for you! Well, this is a process…so be patient with yourself.  It takes time.

For me, this has been a recurring theme in my life in one form or another.  Not necessarily in the ‘addiction’ area, but definitely in the ‘relationships’ area. And, in the timing of writing this song, I was in the thick of some pretty tough stuff….a new, struggling 2nd marriage & blended family, a dying father, a pending home move, & some old emotional baggage that had been hanging around for quite a long time, just to name a few things.  So…it’s ironic to me now, looking back at it AND at the sequencing of this album, that ‘You Can’t Stay’ is the opening

deanaslide4I’m sure that Kimberly has her own position on the content of this song, since collaborations are always the culmination of individual experiences.  But for me, this song was the result of many old feelings being honed into a lyric that summed up the whole…of finally taking a stand for myself & being willing to say ‘no’ to some ‘thing’ that’s not ‘the best’ for me.  For years I’d really needed to let go of what’s BEHIND me & look at what’s IN FRONT of me. So, I encourage you to do the same. Whatever you’re facing in your life that you might need some help getting through, I hope you can find comfort in knowing that I have ‘been there’ (in some form or another) & always pray that whoever hears my music can find peace & freedom in knowing that someone might have walked a mile in their shoes. I definitely continue to hope that there are people out there that have walked a few steps in mine too!song on the record….a song about breaking an old pattern & finally being willing to stand up for myself. Didn’t plan the sequencing that way (of my life OR this record!), but looking at where I’m at now versus 5, 10, 15, or even 20 years ago…I am so grateful for the growth that is happening in me.  And it has certainly been a joyous & painful process.  Writing songs is truly therapy for me….always has been.  And I’ve always sung about the truth in my life.  Through the years, God has been so gracious to use it to open my eyes & look at some truths in me & in the world & unapologetically share that with people.  He’s provided an honesty in me ‘to do’ it & His strength to ‘sing me through it’, regardless of whether I’m succeeding or failing in the process at any given moment.  And it’s a journey that just gets sweeter by the ever-so-challenging-mile!

After learning that healthy relationships actually embrace boundaries (a continuous grueling process) and that it is not about changing, fixing, or making anyone else do anything…but rather about the limits I needed to set with myself & what I allow in my life, I began to have a clearer understanding of some of the detours I’d taken along the way.  And boy, is that a hard reality to face DAILY….looking at people I have unknowingly hurt in my past & people who also have hurt me….feeling that I’m just now ‘waking up’ & facing the reality that I have so far to go.  But at least I’m aware and getting there! All of the songs on this record reflect that…in one way or another.

I’m certainly not one to be preachy (due to all my faults & missteps along the way!) but I do credit God alone for helping me through my whole life now…every nook & cranny.  And I want to encourage people to know He’s there for them too.

I’ve read the Bible with fervor since becoming a mom, another gift that words are hard to describe.  So, in relation to the song ‘You Can’t Stay’ & my heart for helping people connect with God’s presence in their lives & His wanting the best for them…..I’m attaching a Bible Study that I did (when subbing for a friend) on the subject of ‘Boundaries’ a few years ago (after many years & LOTS of prayer time, reading, & counseling).  It is derived from a book that I read about Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend….as well as, a few other books that have been specifically helpful in this area. I hope that you will find it helpful too! Just wanted to share it.

Many Blessings to you!!


 

BOUNDARIES:

Living God’s Lifestyle

  • Why Me?
  • List at least 3 people or things in your life that are frustrating for you:

Boundaries are not about changing, fixing, or making anyone else do anything. The first boundaries we set need to be with ourselves.  We deny ourselves certain freedoms to say or do whatever we like, in order to achieve a higher purpose.  We learn to restrict ourselves from confronting someone when that has proven futile.

“Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you.” (Proverbs 9:8)

 

  • Is it ‘fair’?
  •  What are some recurring issues that you or hurdles that have happened in your relationships?

 

Why should we have to solve a problem we didn’t cause?  A legitimate question, but it exposes a demand for fairness that will never exist in a fallen world. We complain and protest while still mired in the problem.

No matter what the ‘issue’ is in your relationships, you need to take the initiative to solve it.  If our brother has something against us we are to go to him (Matthew 5:23-24).  Also, if our brother sins against us, we are to go to him (Matthew 18:15).  Fault is irrelevant.  Just remember that we owe a debt that we cannot pay and Christ paid a debt He did not owe.  Think about that the next time we feel like the world or our relationships and situations are unjust.  Seeking out forgiveness (whether given or received) & reconciliation is the goal so we can prioritize healing & be in good standing with one another.  However, this does not mean that we allow wrong behaviors to continue to infect our lives & hearts.

 

  • We aren’t Blameless
  • List at least 3 things that might be standing between you and a more holy relationship with God:

Boundaries help us be accountable to ourselves and to others and help us accept a place of peace instead of living in fear of the things we can’t control.  We may feel “innocent” in the situation, but we need to see what part, active or passive, we play in the problem.  Jesus refers to this as “First, take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”(Matthew 7:5)  

 

This ‘plank’ could be an attitude or emotion we aren’t aware of that encourages the problem to continue.

 

  • Taking Ownership
  • List at least 3 things that might be standing in the way of a healthy & guilt-free relationship with others:

We need to take responsibility for our hearts, our loves, our time, and our talents.  We are to own our lives and live in God’s light, growing up and maturing our character along the way.  This is our job and no one else’s.

“Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15).   Also (Ephesians 2: 10).

 

Blame & Reacting

1. Is there blame towards someone in your life or any inappropriate reactions that need to be addressed?  Explain:

 

Since Adam & Eve this has been happening.  Christ had to come to save us from this perpetual state of denial and lack of ability to not sin.  We will not grow if we continue to react to others’ sins.  This is not seeking God’s kingdom and righteousness first (Matthew 6:33); it is seeking satisfaction from another person.  We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than another’s.

God will someday call us ALL to account for our lives here on earth.

“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” (Corinthians 5:10)  At that meeting, we will not be able to blame, hide behind, or deflect to the sins and problems of anyone else.  It will be a one-on-one conversation with God.  You are responsible for HALF of your relationships and ALL of your soul.  Boundaries on yourself are between you and God.

  • Freeing others
  • Name someone in your life who has made ‘choices’ that have hurt you:

How would your life be different if you freed yourself from the ‘effects’ of that ‘choice’?

 

When you set limits on yourself (or focus on areas in your own life that need work) you create an environment in which others can become free to choose and grow.  Since we cannot make someone change (even God Himself allows us the choice), we have to allow them the freedom to choose their behavior…then we can choose to be associated with it or not.

For us to be what God intends us to be, we have to be willing to be humble and aware of our own weaknesses that we need to address.  Someone else’s choice to grow or develop is irrelevant to our own journey, though we need to continue to pray for other’s to progress also & be aware of what is healthy for us regarding our interaction with others.

Setting boundaries on our own character weaknesses is one of the most loving things we can do in our relationships.  We are to love God, ourselves, and each other. (Matthew 22: 37-40) 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

  • Playing God

By human nature, we try to play God instead of seeking Him.

“Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life.” (Romans 6;13)

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” (1 John 1: 18)

Learn to Say NO and Accept NO

The inability to accept another’s “no” indicates a difficulty in taking ownership of your own disappointment and sadness and a struggle in allowing others freedom.  Accept both consequences and feedback as a way to help structure your life better.

Self-Centeredness

  • Learn to let go of the demand to be perfect or special.  Accept instead being loved for the real you, warts and all.
  • Say no to the urge to be ‘good’ and learn the skills of forgiveness and grief.  Forgiveness and grief will help you accept the reality of who you are and who your spouse & who others around you are.
  • Learn to receive compassion and forgiveness from God and others for your own failings.  This will help soften the conscience & encourage compassion & forgiveness on your part.
  • Develop compassion for the faults of others.  Remember that we’re ALL lost without God’s help.

 

Boundaries on Our Attempts to Control

  • If there is any sure-fire way to destroy trust and love, control is it.
  • When we feel controlled, freedom disappears, and love is threatened.
  • Boundaries preserve the freedom of another without, at the same time, enabling the irresponsibility of that person.

 

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)

Also (Galatians 5: 23).

God is the only one who could justifiably control our decisions and yet He refrains from doing so.  He gives us freedom to choose, and he weeps when our choices lead to ruin: “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gather her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.” (Matthew 23: 37)

*God places such a high premium on our freedom that He shies away from forcing us to do things that would benefit us.  He understands that we will never learn to love or respond to Him without that costly freedom.

Response to Boundaries

Guilt trips

  • Anger (our basic protest that we are not God and that we cannot control reality.)
  • Persistent Assaults on the Boundaries (arguing, wheedling, pleading)
  • Withholding Love (pressure to do anything to connect with another)
  • Grief (learning to grieve properly helps us to accept the truth and to let go of things we can’t change or have)
  • Learn to Value Other’s Freedom As You Want Your Freedom Valued

As we set appropriate limits, we can feel safe in our relationships and give up controlling other people, as well as being controlled by others.  We are called to love others “as ourselves.”  Boundaries are the ‘vascular system’ that actually carry or nurture the proper flow of love throughout our lives and our relationships with others. 

A PERSONAL PRAYER FOR HELP:

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am writing down some things that I would like to address in my own character and I ask you to shine your Glorious light on the darkness in me.  Take these things and help me change them with You.  Strengthen me to recognize and establish Your values in my life, no matter how difficult it may be for myself or others to accept.  Help me to address with love, the behaviors within me and of others that is not cohesive with Your will in my life.  Show me how to be a good steward of what You’ve given me, in possessions, talents, and relationships.  Set Your words and guidance in my heart.  Help me to actively, as Jesus did, “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.” (Matthew 6: 33).  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

Posted in:

4 Comments

  1. Life is hard, if it was easy, none of us would ever learn anything. Sounds to me as if you have learned heaps. We are not perfect creations…. He expects us to be the best we can, learn our lessons and believe and trust in him. Your feet are well on the road…

    Looking forward to the new album..

  2. “At a time when the world seems to be spinning,
    Hopelessly out of control”…
    You bring a great message that lifts us up and draws us closer to our God. Thanks for being bold enough to do that.

  3. Deana,

    Thank you for this blog and for sharing your faith!! Looking forward to your new CD, the first 5 songs we’ve heard are terrific. God bless!!

    -Chet

  4. Hi Deana! 🙂

    You’re an amazing woman.. every one of us has our misssteps and mistakes as you describe.. I am but one person and one fan that believes in You. I am bookmarking this page so that I can return to re-read this over again.. An inspiration… There have been few constants in my life, one being You and Your music.. I return to music often to lift my spirits.. Thank you for sharing this.. A truly wonderful woman with a heart so filled with love… Ron

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*