Waiting For You To Come Home

 


 

 

I’M WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME

I woke up today in the strangest of places
It’s hard to explain when you’re left with just traces
Of someone you love, someone you love…
All I can say is now I need a reason
To not be afraid of something to believe in…

IT’S ALL CAN I DO
NOT TO BE BROKEN-HEARTED?
SO, ME AND THE MOON
WE WALK THROUGH THE GARDEN
IT’S NOT BEEN LONG SINCE YOU’VE BEEN GONE
I’M WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME.

When the world starts to turn a little bit different
That’s when you learn just what you’re missing
And it’s someone you love, someone you love…

IT’S ALL CAN I DO
NOT TO BE BROKEN-HEARTED?
SO, ME AND THE MOON
WE WALK THROUGH THE GARDEN
IT’S NOT BEEN LONG SINCE YOU’VE BEEN GONE
I’M WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME.

(SOLO)

ALL I CAN DO
IS GO BACK WHERE WE STARTED
WHEN JUST ME AND YOU
WOULD WALK THROUGH THE GARDEN
I WROTE THIS SONG SINCE YOU’VE BEEN GONE
I’M WAITING FOR YOU TO COME HOME.

(DOC: 8/10/10 WRITTEN BY: TYLER HILTON DEANA CARTER)

 


 

Yes, I’m still waiting. Waiting for the pain to subside, for the void to be filled. Waiting to not be consistently surprised that I can’t pick up the phone and call my dad or hug him or hear him call me “Deanaling!”…with a big belly laugh…..ever again in this life. How bizarre? How un-cool. Completely not okay.

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This was the first song that I wrote after my dad died. Actually, just weeks after he passed and I was still stunned and lost. I was beyond knowing how to ‘be’ in the world now…much less move forward. I was certain that I could never face writing another song…much less picking up the guitar, which was his forté & something I always associate with him. It was his gift… his identity. And something he adored and nurtured above most everything else. And I had never taken a breath without him & my mother (as a unit) on this planet & being there to turn to. Especially, in music and songs. He loved them. And he loved me. And it was family business. As a matter of fact, I still can’t accept that there is no one on earth that loved me or will love me as much as, & in the way that, he did. Thank God that I still have my Mom and I’m trying to figure out a way to make sure that she never dies. Impossible, I know. But I’m still trying to figure that one out.
After Mom & Dad had been dealing with his illness (off & on) for quite a few years, I fervently prayed that we could all be together if it was ever that ‘time.’ I would be in desperate anxiety at times that we he would ‘leave’, with me being in LA, without us all being together. But God was gracious. He orchestrated some pretty miraculous events that allowed us to all be there. It was the most painful experience I’ve ever been through, but I’m so grateful that we were all together & were able to share even that, as a unit, the way we had experienced ‘being’ my whole life. But, after peeling ourselves out of his room & walking out of that hospital in the early hours of the morning after he died, now four instead of five, my mother, two brothers, & me….we were now facing life in death. The afterlife of still living & breathing. It felt like someone had amputated my heart & the shell of my body was left. Just something you can’t really explain. And a way of being that I’m still growing through.

About a year before Dad died, there was a scripture that would appear in my life periodically.
It was 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18: “Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him. According to the Lord’s own words, we tell you that we who are still alive, you are left till the coming of our Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep.  For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.”

How can we be encouraged in death… Either facing it ourselves or facing losing the ones we love so dearly? I think the only way is through Christ. This scripture is encouraging and gives those who died before us honored places to ‘rise first’, so that’s been encouraging…but…we also have to look at Christ’s life, death and resurrection to have real comfort and continue to find any purpose or sense in it all.
He was completely human but he was also completely God, something that was understandably difficult to accept then and even now. But it is no less true. And look what He endured. We could never come close to what he faced in the way He died. Even his humanity cried out in the end, feeling abandoned. But his Holiness allowed him to face death willingly so that it wouldn’t be the END for the rest of us. He died to restore us to Himself & He died knowing He would rise again & proved it by reappearing afterwards, so that we could know there is hope in Him. He is a ‘man’ of His word. That’s where faith comes in.

My dad never was a churchgoing man. He grew up in the church and was, as a child, drug ‘down the aisle to be saved’, so…he swore he’d never go back & he didn’t. He was somewhat spiritual with some reverence, but didn’t embrace organized religion in his adult life. However, he respected my mother’s desire for us kids to grow up with that as a foundation, so he was fine with us going. And Mom made sure of it, thank God! But going without him used to really weigh on me as a child. I worried about him and I probably still do a little bit, because I never saw him make ‘a profession of faith’. However, I saw his resolve about it change over time. That’s where we get back to Faith. That’s how I’m learning to understand Grace and patience more. I believe that God used my dad’s illness as a vehicle to soften his heart and reach deep inside and form a relationship with him (outside of the church) that was needed and was probably on a more profound level than niceties on Sunday mornings & hypocrisies away from the steeple. I can understand where he’s coming from, to a point, with all that, even though I love going to church now. It took many years to be able to have any type of a conversation with Dad about God or Jesus. But, eventually…we had them. And lots of those years, I took a detour of my own, where I wasn’t walking very close to God either. But, God is gracious & used all of it to give us strength and courage to face tough things, even death.

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Let’s make the most out of the time we have left! Start paying attention to some of the mountains in your life (even the molehills) & start asking yourself some questions:

-Have I been in this position before? What am I supposed to learn from it if it keeps happening?

-What can I do differently to improve?

-Where can I start changing?

-How can I help someone else & look outside of myself?

-Who can I reach out to?

-When can I volunteer or be a better giver?

-How can I show love in this situation so this makes a difference?

Ask as many questions as you can think of with only one rule. Never ask WHY. Why (in the ‘six adverbs of questions’) is the only one that doesn’t matter. The other five (who, what, where, when, and how) are the ones that make a difference and can deliver us to a better place. So, in facing life’s toughest things… know that you are not alone, and these very things can be painful blessings that give us strength & courage & help us navigate our own personal uncharted waters, IF we step out of the boat….even in the dark.

Blessings, Deana

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