IF THIS IS LOVE

Okay, so… Today, In filling out some tedious paperwork for a trip and having a ‘MAJOR epiphany’… I have to ask myself this question…”Why is my ’emergency contact person’….my actual ‘EMERGENCY’??

(…pause for a non-exclusive blonde thought on this, then….dead silence….then explosive, snot-wielding laughter!!!!)

What a question? What an obvious question & what a ridiculous answer! What an OBVIOUS & head scratching situation!

HOW on EARTH did I get HERE? But, it is reality & it is truth for me at the moment. What would normally be my Emergency Contact person…. is actually my EMERGENCY. Yep. And there is no 911 option to change it….or someone’s choices.

Deana BlogHow does ‘love’ turn into an emergency? The obvious answer is that it shouldn’t, shy of some tragic news, God forbid.
Love is supposed to be your respite for perspective & comfort IN an emergency, but not BE or CAUSE an emergency or anxious or unsettled place, physically or emotionally. So, again..how did I get here? How did I trust something/someone so untrustworthy?
Well, sometimes it’s subtle & we blow past red flags. Sometimes we just want to take a leap of faith & BELIEVE that we can make something work or change someone’s heart or succeed or help or whatever the case may be. And sometimes things just don’t work out.

The Bible says that “there is no fear in love” and that “perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John (4:18)

This was one of the main scriptures of ‘smelling salts’ for me…pulling me like a magnet to dig deeper, gently tapping me on the shoulder, to focus on real love & not the imitation kind.
“For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy (1:7).

Verses like these were Jesus Himself stepping in, courting me & encouraging me to not settle for less than His best. Also, He has shown me how I have sometimes connected with people I shouldn’t because I was afraid to be my true self or of being alone or not in control or whatever (all of the above).

I’m actually growing fond of these growing pains now. At least to feel alive in the midst of it. Sometimes I feel like God is not there (even though He is). Those are the numb times that panic & pain & guilt can still penetrate & I beat myself up for certain choices I’ve made when “I’m smarter than this.” This is when I let regret win & shut Him out. Then, there are times where I feel like God is just down the hall. Those are the times when I feel He will accept me IF my behavior is acceptable rather than speculative. This is when I let fear & performance take the stage while I’m behind the curtain watching God’s ‘reaction’ to the show! But… the most beautiful times are when I get those balloon chills because I get quiet & still & can FEEL Him right with me….bathing me in patience, acceptance & forgiveness, so that I’ll know what that feels like & can spread that around. And you really have to EXPERIENCE those graces to be able & willing to share them.
I swear, It truly does feel like childbirth when I realize we have Yahtzee’d over a growth spurt!… 🙂

I was a cheerleader from the time I was five years old until my high teens, so…I’m very aware of a victory. Or at least gaining some ground on the field… 🙂 I’m also aware of a defeat, which is always gut wrenching for me. Most of all, I’n realizing that my performance is not what this is about. Nor is it about what someone else chooses to do or not do. And that epiphany will take the rest of my life to gel & put into practice. But, at least I’m finally softening up enough to let some seeds burrow in & await some rain drops.

A photo posted by deana carter (@deanatunes) on

I’m finally learning that REAL love prevents emergency as opposed to creates it.
REAL love swims in truth, as opposed to trying to drown it. REAL love has open arms & helping hands, as opposed to brutal fists & flexing muscle. REAL love is soft, not loud. REAL love is even, not odd. REAL love invites, instead of chases. REAL love never lies. REAL love never dies. These are clues to know…’if this is love.’

I am finally learning to forgive & let go…& then, to love some people from afar. It is better to love them from a distance than to compromise on God’s original plan for us to live in heathy, nurturing, mutually loving relationships.

Be blessed on your journey!
Deana

 


“If This Is Love” from Did I Shave My Legs for This?

Hold your racing horses just one minute
A funny feeling coming over me
Well I’m hearing violins and Tony Bennett
Boy if this is love well then I’m in itIt was a triple digit summer
I thought I’d let you share my ice cream cone
We took a walk going nowhere
But I was already, already goneThat train of love is rolling and I’m on it
Destination end of the line
Ever star I see I wish upon it
Boy if this is love well then I want itIt was a triple digit summer
I thought I’d let you share my ice cream cone
We took a walk going nowhere
But I was already, already goneWell, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be now was it
Simple as the dimple in your smile
I just can’t resist kissin’ and huggin’
Boy if this is love then I sure love it
Boy if this is love, Boy if this is love,
Boy if this is love then I sure love it
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